The above verse from the Quran is not only Allah’s way of telling us the importance of Muslim Marriage, but also explains the way that 2 people coming together in marriage should lead their lives.  Love, affection and mercy are all positive attributes that Allah has asked us to portray in our married lives. But there are also many negative and unhealthy attributes that Allah has asked us to stay away from. One of those attributes is jealousy and competition between spouses.

When we are ready to get married we often look for spouses who are on the same wavelength as us. This generally means that their ages are more or less the same, their education level matches theirs and their family values seem to be as close as possible to their own family value system. Research shows that when such commonalities lie between spouses in marriage, there is a greater chance of having feelings of jealousy and competition among them. These are the feelings that need to be fought.

Allah has asked every man to take care of their wives “for He has given the one more strength than the other”. At the same time Allah has also asked the believing wives to love and respect their husbands and stand by them.  The roles of both the husband and the wife are defined in Islam.  Why then does the question of competition come up? It is because we have not yet realized our roles in accordance with Islam.

We must realize that marriage is a two-way street. If your husband has a successful career and you don’t it is not a cause for jealousy and should not lead to sourness in relationship. Infact it should lead to pride for the wife that her husband has accomplished so much, so much that would enable him to support her and his family, which indeed is what Allah prescribed him to do in the first place! If the children run to their mother more often than to the father for help, love or support, it should not be a cause of competition for the father of “who does or child love more, you or me?”. He should be proud that Allah enabled her to give birth to the child through her body and raised her status to a mother and for that he will get the sawaab too.

In short, if one of the spouses achieves more than the other, you should not be insecure or feel unaccomplished. You should stand by your spouse and remember that their accomplishment is eventually YOUR accomplishment. Their success is YOUR success. If every Muslim couple thought this way in the light of the teachings of the Quran and the Hadith, there would be no negativity and ill-feelings in marriages.

The above verse from the Quran relates to not only the daily dealings of the world but all relationships that are a part of this world too. Be it a mother-daughter, a brother-sister or a husband-wife. Allah has strictly asked us to avoid negativity in our lives and when negativity takes the form of negative assumptions it could be a grave sin. This is because negative assumptions lead to misunderstandings and that leads to destruction of relationships. The most common relationship that negative assumptions and misunderstandings affect is Muslim Marriage.

In the bond of marriage there are a number of ways to fight assumptions between spouses. Assumptions could be on different levels but they all start very small, as a tiny comment or a phrase said without thinking, so something done without paying much attention. Allah has asked us to think of the consequences before we speak or act but rarely anyone follows this guidance. In marriages, however, it becomes imperative to be careful in the relationship or risk being misunderstood forever.

A number of examples exist after which misunderstandings may occur. When, for example, the wife does not compliment the husband on his achievement at work, this may send a wrong signal to the husband that she’s not thrilled, or when the husband compares his wife with another woman in front of her.  This could lead to negative assumptions. There is a tradition of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) “Do not compare your husband with another man and do not compare your wife with another woman.” It is also not permissible for the wife to let any male enter her house without the husband’s prior permission. Such instances can put suspicion in the hearts of spouses and indeed that is an evil feeling.

Fighting negativity also involves having a strong will to sacrifice in many issues. Compromising does not only lead to peace in the house but also positive after effects as things get fixed due to the compassion of one spouse. Soon issues are forgotten and couples can resume with their content married life.

Accepting that there will be times when Allah will test you in your marriage is also one way of fighting negative assumptions as you are prepared that if you are to see sunny days then so will you see raining and troublesome ones. You do not lose hope and give up but you move on with a positive attitude and believe that it is not the end.

So how do we get joy, laughter and smiles in marriage? The Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said there are 4 things that make a person joyful, “A righteous wife, a spacious house, a pious neighbor and a comfortable riding animal.”

The FIRST thing that makes a person joyful is to have a righteous wife! A religious and faithful spouse is the key to have a happy and joyful marriage. This is because the spouse knows that whatever his or her better half will do will be by the command of Allah and following the Quran and the Holy Prophet. Indeed Allah blesses those couples who follow in His guidance and gives them the gift of joy and happiness in their marital lives.

Allah and the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) have asked us to live in happiness with our spouses so the best ways to have a joyful marriage is to exchange jokes with your partner and make them laugh. The Holy Prophet (PBUH) used to joke a lot with Hazrat Ayesha and this strengthened their relationship and made them more comfortable and happy with each other.  Another way to make your marriage joyful is to remember the good times of your halal romance; maybe a candle light dinner, or your favourite home cooked meal, or your neatly ironed clothes that your wife left for you, or the watch you were gifted.  These are little things but the joy they bring in marriage are enough to last a lifetime!

Often marriages become turbulent because the husband or the wife unknowingly exchange roles. Allah has clearly defined the roles of the husband and the wife and we must follow them so as to avoid disagreements and diminish the joy in life. We should not only respect our spouses but also their parents as each of the spouses’’ parents are important to them.  Loving them will increase the happiness in your spouse’s heart for YOU and that will bring joy to your married life.

And finally the most perfect way to bring joy in your married life is to remember the goodness that your partner brought to you and your relationship! Remember their good points and forgive their weaknesses and accept that not all of us are perfect, neither are they, and neither are you! The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said; “The good deed abolishes the bad deed”. Remember that the shaitaan is out to make you destroy your marriage. Do not let that happened. Shun the bad and remember the good to lead a joyful married life!

When 2 people are married it involves a lot of adjustment to life to be living with a person the whole while. It involves exchanging love, your opinions, your ideas with them and bringing them onto the same wave length as you are or understanding their own wave length. Ofcourse during the course of this, disagreements may arise and for that Allah has prescribed the attribute of compromise within us. But to be doing all of this, to putting forward your thoughts and feelings and ideas all comes down the effectiveness of communication. Hence no marriage is successful without effective communication.

Just like when a river flows smoothly without any obstacle to its destination, so should marriages work in a flow and that is possible only through a lively communication and talks between spouses. And just like when there are obstacles in the rivers way, huge stones and blocks, the flow of the river gets turbulent. So does the marriage when there a block in communication. The disturbance hence becomes so severe if the gap in communication increases that it eventually leads to destruction in marriage.

So liven your communication in marriage and make it successful! There need not be a deep conversation (although that is definitely not a bad idea!) but general discussion about the day, what you feel about the new maid that has joined the house, the match that is scheduled for next week or the dinner you are going to be hosting the day after. Be candid, be true, be real and be nice.  Talk it out with your spouses and make the communication in your marriage live!

When a man or a woman is getting married there are a number of things that they seek in their partner. Some want their partner to be beautiful, others want them to be wealthy, and many more want them to have personalities matching their own. However, whereas all these things are important in making the right decision to marry, they are not the MOST important. The most important trait that a person should see in their future spouse is their pull towards Islam, their closeness to their faith and their interest in following it for as long as they live.

A very well known scholar of Islam, Mufti Menk, said about the decision to marry in Islam that “Marry someone who is deeply interested in deen because that is who your children will follow”. This is not just about spending your life with one person for the rest of your lives but creating families of your own who will follow in your footsteps and embrace the religion of Islam, embrace YOUR faith that you have passed onto them, your children. Imagine the amount of blessings your household will be getting then!

There is a tradition of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) that a man chooses a wife for himself based on 4 things. He says “A woman is married for four (things); her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. Choose (marry) the religious woman so that your home will be in abundance. (Bukhari)

When the Prophet (PBUH) mentioned about the home being in abundance he meant that the blessings of Allah will be there in abundance. So marry a woman for her religion because that is what she will eventually be teaching her children.

When you marry for deen, your marriage becomes beautiful as it has the hand of Allah upon it and the devil is shunned. There is greater love, greater harmony, peace, understanding and compromise, all the things needed to make a marriage successful. The most important part of marrying for the faith is that the husband and the wife can pray together for the well-being of their families.  Husbands should take the piety and religious attitude of their wives as a blessing towards himself because by living with her he will have gained complete and pure happiness.  In the same way a wife should encourage her husband to enjoin in his faith, respect his decisions that he made with Allah’s guidance and pray for their family’s happiness.  It is only when the husband and the wife are both fearing of Allah will the marriage succeed because there will be no taint of shaitaan of it who would like nothing more than to destroy it.

So Insha Allah marry for Deen and see your marriage prosper!

This means that couples should, even after years of marriage behave with each other with love and respect. Nowadays the concept of non-halal dating has arisen where couples who are not married according to the commandments of Islam “date” each other. They go out with each other, hold hands and indulge in all sorts of haraam. But the beauty of Muslim marriage is such that all this can be done whilst being married.

Allah has not stopped us from dating. By all means Muslim couples are allowed to “date” but do so after marriage. Do not think that dating is something that can be done before marriage. Indeed, any sort of contact between and man and a woman without a mehram present is not allowed. Dating CAN and should be done after marriage. And not just in the first few days rather for the entire duration of the married life.  So Muslim husbands, never stop dating your wives! Love them, cuddle them, hold their hands, tell them you love them and make them laugh. Indeed all the above are sunnahs of the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)

In the same way married Muslim women are completely allowed to flirt with their husbands. It is halal and very much encouraged within the boundaries of normal societal norms. Married Muslim women should dress up for their husbands, wear a nice perfume for them, talk to them calmly and sweetly and maybe even flirt a little. They should be quick to forgive, willing to share their days excitements, be a source of encouragement and all the while trusting and prying to Allah to make their marriage work forever.

Many marriages would be more successful if the husband and the wife knew they were on the same side. When they are on the same side that means that the only thing against them is the ‘shaitaan’ who would like nothing more than to make their marriage fail. Defeat the shaitaan and continue to date your wives and flirt with your husbands.

So for Muslims who enter marriage thinking that is the beginning to their blissful life, it comes as a rude shock when it does not live upto expectations. Allah has created us as humans but we have not been created for this world. We have been created for Jannah. So when we live in this world we are bound to show imperfections just like this world. So while Allah agrees that we living in this world are NOT perfect, He Subhanawatallah also expects us to try.

A marriage is hence the relationship where Allah expects of his servants to live in peace in harmony, in love and mercy, in patience and compromise and He EXPECTS us to not expect the marriage to be perfect. Every man dreams for a perfect wife and every woman dreams of a perfect husband. But that is just an illusion. In reality no one can be perfect and hence you cannot expect your life to be perfect with a perfect partner. What a husband and wife do not realize is that Allah made them to complete one another. Through all the love, the fights, the flirting, the disagreements, the togetherness and the arguments they indeed ARE perfect for one another because they complement each other and they complete each other. We seek a perfect Muslim marriage from Allah but we do not realize that this is as perfect as it can get.

The Holy Prophet (PBUH) has said “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he may be pleased with another.”

The imperfection explained so simply by the Prophet (PBUH) in his words!

Some people feel that they will attain complete happiness through marriage. But we must all remember, Muslim brothers and sisters, that happiness is not dependant on finding the perfect partner. We cannot expect a person who is as imperfect as we are to give us the perfect life or the perfect marriage. We just cannot. Feeling that marriage with the perfect person will bring you happiness is just a fantasy and we must not embrace it. We should be practical and believe that the perfect marriage can only be obtained if we are ourselves happy, content, religious and on the right path.

Allah says in the Holy Quran, “Lo! Allah does not change the condition of a folk until they (first) change by themselves that which is in their hearts;” (Chap. 13 V.11). Once we truly understand that The Perfect Marriage can only exist when we learn to accept our spouse for who they are, learn to deal with them with patience, compromise and love,  that is when true happiness will embrace our lives with the help of Allah. Indeed a perfect marriage in Islam is that which gives you the companionship of a spouse who believes in Allah and that which is peaceful.

That’s how Allah described the relationship between the husband and the wife in Islam. The relationship is beautiful and it is pure. Marriage in Islam has purity at its best! When Allah brings a man and woman together in Muslim Matrimony, He enjoins that the relationship will have love, trust, harmony and purity. That is why the ‘shaitaan’ is the enemy of a successful Muslim marriage. Because the institute of marriage has purity in it and shaitaan shuns purity. He thrives on shamelessness and marriage in Islam saves you from this. Indeed Allah has brought about the institute of marriage and made men of purity for women of purity BECAUSE He wants us to avoid zina (unlawful relationship between a man and a woman). The Holy Prophet (PBUH) has said in a tradition that “Who so ever can afford to get married should get married”. He has the same reason for saying so, to make his ummah refrain from impurity and shamelessness.

Like all famous sayings in making a marriage successful  there is one about being a man of Imaan so that you deserve to be her man and be a woman of the deen so that you deserve to be his queen. Such a beautiful way to explain what Allah means when He says Men and women of “purity”. If both the husband and the wife look to Allah for the well being of their marriage in complete piousness and purity, their marriage will be successful because it will have the blessings of Allah with it.

The Prophet (PBUH) said: “The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.” Such is the importance of piety and purity in marriage. When the Holy Prophet PBUH was asked what thing he loves the most so he said that one of them was a pious woman! So the basis of marriage is to live in it with purity in the heart and the soul. “Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard” [Surah An-Nisa :34]

When Allah says Men and Women of purity for marriage He also means that a man should look at the faith of the woman, the woman should look at the companionship qualities of the man. None should marry the other because of selfish motives like wealth and physical beauty because that makes the marriage impure. Marry each other for the beauty of Imaan and then nothing else matters. THAT is what is essential in taking you both to jannah. THAT is what is going to make your marriage pure in the eyes of Allah.

“They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them” (Noble Quran 2:187)

So what exactly does this ayah mean? Sure it means that the Muslim married couple are to love each other, protect each other and cover each other like garments hiding each other’s flaws. But what this ayah also means is that marriage is a TWO-WAY affair. Now what does that mean? That means that when a husband and wife enjoin in the very sacred relationship of marriage, there are responsibilities from both sides, love from both sides, respect desired from both sides and finally compromise and patience required from both sides.  Allah has asked BOTH the husband and the wife to work on their marriage equally for it to work.

Marriage in Islam is a two-way street. Allah has enjoined that both the husband and the life live in love and harmony together and fulfill each other’s responsibilities towards them. EACH spouse in the relationship is required to give a 100 percent in the thriving of their marriage. This concept of your spouse being your “better half” has in a way corrupted the thinking of married couples as they have started to believe that only HALF their responsibilities are required from their side to make their marriage work. Hence they only work for 50 % of the marriage, expecting the other spouse to take care of the rest of the 50 %. This formula more often than not NEVER works.

Marriage cannot be made successful if one of the spouses only works partially towards it. It will only work when there is a sense of responsibility and efforts of a 100 % from both sides. Muslim Marriage is a partnership; this means there should be fulfillment for both the parties involved. Consistently being the spouse who “is always right” or who always gets his/her way or statements like “I’m always the first one to apologize, no matter what” will take your marriage to destruction and that is why in Islam such a relationship between husband and wife is strongly condemned.

When we say marriage is to be a two-way street it means that there should be patience from each side, there should be apologies from both sides even if it was not their fault, there should be compromise; there should be trust from both sides.  If this rule of thumb was accepted as it was given by Allah the rate of divorces and separations would be nil in the world and shaitaan would be completely unsuccessful in destroying marriages like he loves to. So work on giving your marriage the 100 percent that it deserves and see it blossoming in this world IA.

When we talk about hurting the people we love, a very important relationship of marriage is most talked about. So this post is specifically about forgiveness between the husband and the wife. The relationship between a Muslim husband and wife is that which remains for your entire life and is one of the longest of all relationships of living together. So when a man and woman coming from 2 different areas of interests, backgrounds, lifestyles, habits and personalities start living together there are bound to be conflicts and differences in opinions. These differences in opinions can often escalate into fights and unpleasantness in marriages. When that happens, it is only wise to diffuse the tensions and say “ I’m sorry”. Saying you’re sorry not only kills the root of all arguments between the couple but is also an excellent way to defeat the shaitaan (who would like nothing more than to kill your marriage) and a way to gain Allah’s countless blessings.

“I’m sorry” is a phrase with the power to work miracles. We are advised to use it in Islam even if we are not at fault because Allah has asked all Muslim couples to live with compromise and forgiveness. A very famous Islamic scholar said “Admitting your faults and saying “I’m sorry” can solve long outstanding issues. Never let your pride or ego block an apology.”

As humans we have immense pride and are slaves of our egos. But when we’re part of such a sacred relationship as marriage we must put that ego aside and apologize when things get heated. Picture the devil getting extremely angry at the apology you give to your spouse. Doesn’t that give you satisfaction?

Doesn’t it give you peace to know that Allah Himself is the most amazing forgiver? Allah is All-forgiving. We make a million mistakes a day yet Allah forgives us. When we can be forgiven by Allah, then so can you be forgiven by your spouse when you make a mistake. Why don’t you just say “I’m Sorry” and find out?