The above verse from the Quran is not only Allah’s way of telling us the importance of Muslim Marriage, but also explains the way that 2 people coming together in marriage should lead their lives.  Love, affection and mercy are all positive attributes that Allah has asked us to portray in our married lives. But there are also many negative and unhealthy attributes that Allah has asked us to stay away from. One of those attributes is jealousy and competition between spouses.

When we are ready to get married we often look for spouses who are on the same wavelength as us. This generally means that their ages are more or less the same, their education level matches theirs and their family values seem to be as close as possible to their own family value system. Research shows that when such commonalities lie between spouses in marriage, there is a greater chance of having feelings of jealousy and competition among them. These are the feelings that need to be fought.

Allah has asked every man to take care of their wives “for He has given the one more strength than the other”. At the same time Allah has also asked the believing wives to love and respect their husbands and stand by them.  The roles of both the husband and the wife are defined in Islam.  Why then does the question of competition come up? It is because we have not yet realized our roles in accordance with Islam.

We must realize that marriage is a two-way street. If your husband has a successful career and you don’t it is not a cause for jealousy and should not lead to sourness in relationship. Infact it should lead to pride for the wife that her husband has accomplished so much, so much that would enable him to support her and his family, which indeed is what Allah prescribed him to do in the first place! If the children run to their mother more often than to the father for help, love or support, it should not be a cause of competition for the father of “who does or child love more, you or me?”. He should be proud that Allah enabled her to give birth to the child through her body and raised her status to a mother and for that he will get the sawaab too.

In short, if one of the spouses achieves more than the other, you should not be insecure or feel unaccomplished. You should stand by your spouse and remember that their accomplishment is eventually YOUR accomplishment. Their success is YOUR success. If every Muslim couple thought this way in the light of the teachings of the Quran and the Hadith, there would be no negativity and ill-feelings in marriages.

The above verse from the Quran relates to not only the daily dealings of the world but all relationships that are a part of this world too. Be it a mother-daughter, a brother-sister or a husband-wife. Allah has strictly asked us to avoid negativity in our lives and when negativity takes the form of negative assumptions it could be a grave sin. This is because negative assumptions lead to misunderstandings and that leads to destruction of relationships. The most common relationship that negative assumptions and misunderstandings affect is Muslim Marriage.

In the bond of marriage there are a number of ways to fight assumptions between spouses. Assumptions could be on different levels but they all start very small, as a tiny comment or a phrase said without thinking, so something done without paying much attention. Allah has asked us to think of the consequences before we speak or act but rarely anyone follows this guidance. In marriages, however, it becomes imperative to be careful in the relationship or risk being misunderstood forever.

A number of examples exist after which misunderstandings may occur. When, for example, the wife does not compliment the husband on his achievement at work, this may send a wrong signal to the husband that she’s not thrilled, or when the husband compares his wife with another woman in front of her.  This could lead to negative assumptions. There is a tradition of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) “Do not compare your husband with another man and do not compare your wife with another woman.” It is also not permissible for the wife to let any male enter her house without the husband’s prior permission. Such instances can put suspicion in the hearts of spouses and indeed that is an evil feeling.

Fighting negativity also involves having a strong will to sacrifice in many issues. Compromising does not only lead to peace in the house but also positive after effects as things get fixed due to the compassion of one spouse. Soon issues are forgotten and couples can resume with their content married life.

Accepting that there will be times when Allah will test you in your marriage is also one way of fighting negative assumptions as you are prepared that if you are to see sunny days then so will you see raining and troublesome ones. You do not lose hope and give up but you move on with a positive attitude and believe that it is not the end.

So how do we get joy, laughter and smiles in marriage? The Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said there are 4 things that make a person joyful, “A righteous wife, a spacious house, a pious neighbor and a comfortable riding animal.”

The FIRST thing that makes a person joyful is to have a righteous wife! A religious and faithful spouse is the key to have a happy and joyful marriage. This is because the spouse knows that whatever his or her better half will do will be by the command of Allah and following the Quran and the Holy Prophet. Indeed Allah blesses those couples who follow in His guidance and gives them the gift of joy and happiness in their marital lives.

Allah and the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) have asked us to live in happiness with our spouses so the best ways to have a joyful marriage is to exchange jokes with your partner and make them laugh. The Holy Prophet (PBUH) used to joke a lot with Hazrat Ayesha and this strengthened their relationship and made them more comfortable and happy with each other.  Another way to make your marriage joyful is to remember the good times of your halal romance; maybe a candle light dinner, or your favourite home cooked meal, or your neatly ironed clothes that your wife left for you, or the watch you were gifted.  These are little things but the joy they bring in marriage are enough to last a lifetime!

Often marriages become turbulent because the husband or the wife unknowingly exchange roles. Allah has clearly defined the roles of the husband and the wife and we must follow them so as to avoid disagreements and diminish the joy in life. We should not only respect our spouses but also their parents as each of the spouses’’ parents are important to them.  Loving them will increase the happiness in your spouse’s heart for YOU and that will bring joy to your married life.

And finally the most perfect way to bring joy in your married life is to remember the goodness that your partner brought to you and your relationship! Remember their good points and forgive their weaknesses and accept that not all of us are perfect, neither are they, and neither are you! The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said; “The good deed abolishes the bad deed”. Remember that the shaitaan is out to make you destroy your marriage. Do not let that happened. Shun the bad and remember the good to lead a joyful married life!

So for Muslims who enter marriage thinking that is the beginning to their blissful life, it comes as a rude shock when it does not live upto expectations. Allah has created us as humans but we have not been created for this world. We have been created for Jannah. So when we live in this world we are bound to show imperfections just like this world. So while Allah agrees that we living in this world are NOT perfect, He Subhanawatallah also expects us to try.

A marriage is hence the relationship where Allah expects of his servants to live in peace in harmony, in love and mercy, in patience and compromise and He EXPECTS us to not expect the marriage to be perfect. Every man dreams for a perfect wife and every woman dreams of a perfect husband. But that is just an illusion. In reality no one can be perfect and hence you cannot expect your life to be perfect with a perfect partner. What a husband and wife do not realize is that Allah made them to complete one another. Through all the love, the fights, the flirting, the disagreements, the togetherness and the arguments they indeed ARE perfect for one another because they complement each other and they complete each other. We seek a perfect Muslim marriage from Allah but we do not realize that this is as perfect as it can get.

The Holy Prophet (PBUH) has said “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he may be pleased with another.”

The imperfection explained so simply by the Prophet (PBUH) in his words!

Some people feel that they will attain complete happiness through marriage. But we must all remember, Muslim brothers and sisters, that happiness is not dependant on finding the perfect partner. We cannot expect a person who is as imperfect as we are to give us the perfect life or the perfect marriage. We just cannot. Feeling that marriage with the perfect person will bring you happiness is just a fantasy and we must not embrace it. We should be practical and believe that the perfect marriage can only be obtained if we are ourselves happy, content, religious and on the right path.

Allah says in the Holy Quran, “Lo! Allah does not change the condition of a folk until they (first) change by themselves that which is in their hearts;” (Chap. 13 V.11). Once we truly understand that The Perfect Marriage can only exist when we learn to accept our spouse for who they are, learn to deal with them with patience, compromise and love,  that is when true happiness will embrace our lives with the help of Allah. Indeed a perfect marriage in Islam is that which gives you the companionship of a spouse who believes in Allah and that which is peaceful.

That’s how Allah described the relationship between the husband and the wife in Islam. The relationship is beautiful and it is pure. Marriage in Islam has purity at its best! When Allah brings a man and woman together in Muslim Matrimony, He enjoins that the relationship will have love, trust, harmony and purity. That is why the ‘shaitaan’ is the enemy of a successful Muslim marriage. Because the institute of marriage has purity in it and shaitaan shuns purity. He thrives on shamelessness and marriage in Islam saves you from this. Indeed Allah has brought about the institute of marriage and made men of purity for women of purity BECAUSE He wants us to avoid zina (unlawful relationship between a man and a woman). The Holy Prophet (PBUH) has said in a tradition that “Who so ever can afford to get married should get married”. He has the same reason for saying so, to make his ummah refrain from impurity and shamelessness.

Like all famous sayings in making a marriage successful  there is one about being a man of Imaan so that you deserve to be her man and be a woman of the deen so that you deserve to be his queen. Such a beautiful way to explain what Allah means when He says Men and women of “purity”. If both the husband and the wife look to Allah for the well being of their marriage in complete piousness and purity, their marriage will be successful because it will have the blessings of Allah with it.

The Prophet (PBUH) said: “The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.” Such is the importance of piety and purity in marriage. When the Holy Prophet PBUH was asked what thing he loves the most so he said that one of them was a pious woman! So the basis of marriage is to live in it with purity in the heart and the soul. “Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard” [Surah An-Nisa :34]

When Allah says Men and Women of purity for marriage He also means that a man should look at the faith of the woman, the woman should look at the companionship qualities of the man. None should marry the other because of selfish motives like wealth and physical beauty because that makes the marriage impure. Marry each other for the beauty of Imaan and then nothing else matters. THAT is what is essential in taking you both to jannah. THAT is what is going to make your marriage pure in the eyes of Allah.

“They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them” (Noble Quran 2:187)

So what exactly does this ayah mean? Sure it means that the Muslim married couple are to love each other, protect each other and cover each other like garments hiding each other’s flaws. But what this ayah also means is that marriage is a TWO-WAY affair. Now what does that mean? That means that when a husband and wife enjoin in the very sacred relationship of marriage, there are responsibilities from both sides, love from both sides, respect desired from both sides and finally compromise and patience required from both sides.  Allah has asked BOTH the husband and the wife to work on their marriage equally for it to work.

Marriage in Islam is a two-way street. Allah has enjoined that both the husband and the life live in love and harmony together and fulfill each other’s responsibilities towards them. EACH spouse in the relationship is required to give a 100 percent in the thriving of their marriage. This concept of your spouse being your “better half” has in a way corrupted the thinking of married couples as they have started to believe that only HALF their responsibilities are required from their side to make their marriage work. Hence they only work for 50 % of the marriage, expecting the other spouse to take care of the rest of the 50 %. This formula more often than not NEVER works.

Marriage cannot be made successful if one of the spouses only works partially towards it. It will only work when there is a sense of responsibility and efforts of a 100 % from both sides. Muslim Marriage is a partnership; this means there should be fulfillment for both the parties involved. Consistently being the spouse who “is always right” or who always gets his/her way or statements like “I’m always the first one to apologize, no matter what” will take your marriage to destruction and that is why in Islam such a relationship between husband and wife is strongly condemned.

When we say marriage is to be a two-way street it means that there should be patience from each side, there should be apologies from both sides even if it was not their fault, there should be compromise; there should be trust from both sides.  If this rule of thumb was accepted as it was given by Allah the rate of divorces and separations would be nil in the world and shaitaan would be completely unsuccessful in destroying marriages like he loves to. So work on giving your marriage the 100 percent that it deserves and see it blossoming in this world IA.

Every marriage has its ups and downs and the root causes of disagreements in marriages is the inability to control one’s anger. It is acceptable that when we begin to live with a person who is completely different, who has habits different than ours, whose personality is different from ours and whose way of doing things is different from ours, disagreements may arise. These disagreements more often than not take the form of anger. And when anger strikes the Muslim couple, THAT is when shaitaan feels victorious as it is the aim of the shaitaan to destroy Muslim marriages.

No one said getting married would be a fairy tale affair. No one said there will not be difficulties on the way, times when you’d want to throw something across the room in anger,  and tough situations to deal with. Allah only promised perfection in Jannah. This is why the Muslim husband and wife should learn to control their anger and live with peace, compromise and forgiveness in this dunya. They should, in no circumstances, let the shaitaan triumph and let him step on the foundation to destroy your marriage. They should rain themselves to fight this. There are a number of ways the Muslim husband and wife can control their anger and manage it appropriately.

An Islamic scholar once said about the life of the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) that “The worst expression that the Holy Prophet (PBUH) gave when he was angry was to remain silent.” So make the sunnah your savior when you come face to face with anger. If your spouse shows anger and you feel angry too, try to remain silent. Silence diffuses the situation and avoids making things worse for the spouse. Both the husband and the spouse should not get angry at each other at the same time and lose their cool.

When a certain bad point about a spouse irritates the other, they should try to make a list in their head of all the good things about the spouse. Surely there are great things about him or her which you love from time to time, which you know you could not have found in another, and because of which your life seems full of meaning. Focus on those good points and your anger will automatically dissipate.

If you find yourself constantly feeling unpleasant towards your spouse because of what they did or said, turn to Allah for help. Make an effort and try to pray to Allah together, get the guidance of Allah together, read the Quran together with your spouse. Allah will open your minds to compromise, love and patience, so important in a marriage.

When you’re angry with your spouse, it is best to remain silent for that time and when your anger cools down a bit, discuss the issue with them. There is nothing that works better than two adults talking and sorting out their marital problems in the light of Islam, the Quran and Sunnah.

These are a few pointers to take care of to manage your anger appropriately. Remember the most important point is to be cautiously AWARE that shaitaan is trying hard to destroy your marriage and YOU are the one who can stop that. So with that knowledge in mind, embrace your marital life with open arms and make an effort to make your marriage work inspite of the anger that creeps in from time to time.

Allah has indeed blessed the Muslim couple that prays together. For that is the couple who is not only in sync with each other but also with Allah at the same time. Imagine the blessing that that couple will receive from Allah if they both ask for the well being of their families together, they both have the same goal and there is no shaitaan between them? The blessing will be tremendous! Because Allah has made Marriage a wonderful union and the most loved, so how can He not listen to his servants when they raise their hands towards Him TOGETHER?

There is a tradition of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) that when it is time for Fajr prayers and the husband wakes up he should also wake up his wife so that they pray together. If she refuses to wake up the husband should then lovingly sprinkle water on her face. All this only because the Holy Prophet believed that a Muslim couple that prays together stays together!

Another benefit of the Muslim husband and wife praying together is that they will be teaching their children about the importance of prayer. For example, if the Husband is performing salah and the wife is reading the Quran, the child will see the parents and want to imitate both, thus ingrain the value of worship in Islam into him too.  The child will know that this is a spiritual time and will also follow in the parents footsteps to learn and practice it his/her entire life.

The husband and wife may pray together about anything and everything. However one very important prayer that they should remember is that of praying for Jannah and reuniting there again. That constitutes helping to take each other to the straight path, becoming a source of Islamic guidance for each other, loving, respecting and advising each other. This will not only make the bond of marriage stronger but also eventually make Allah happy and lead you to Paradise.

In Islam, when there are bad days in marriage, Muslims are to believe that it is the work of the shaitaan, who cannot see two people in love in marriage and happy. The purpose of shaitaan is to bring about grudges, ill mannerism, fights and arguments in marriage and to completely destroy it. When a husband and a wife have a fight, they are not fighting with each other, rather it is a fight with the devil (shaitaan) and it is he who will be victorious. THAT is the reason Allah has asked us to shun the shaitaan and embrace love, understanding, harmony and patience in marriage.  So that in the end it is WE who are victorious and shaitaan who has been defeated!

The only way to rid your marriage of the bad omen, shaitaan, is to work towards it for the better. There are tricks that Allah has asked us to follow in our marriage to do so. The biggest and the most important one is NEVER to hold a grudge with your spouse. Sure, there are hard days when all you want is to hit something hard towards the spouse during your fights but when the temper cools down, learn to forget and not hold a grudge in the heart.

They say a hurt heart is better than a hard one. They are right. It is true that at that moment of time you will feel angry and hurt at your spouse, but when calmness takes over, you should be the first one to set things right. The longer a grudge is held in the heart, the worse it is for the relationship of the husband and the wife and the more victorious the devil (iblees) is. Because the devil knows that marriage is the most loved of relationships in the eyes of Allah. So he does everything in his power to ensure its destruction.

Don’t let your heart get hard. So be the first to ask for forgiveness as well as be the first to forgive. It’s a two way street in marriage. If there is love from both sides, so must there be compromises. Allah has said in the Quran

“So be patient with gracious patience.”
[Surat Al-Ma`ārij (70:5)]

So patient must we be for indeed it is the virtue of the Almighty. Don’t be mean to your spouse even after the moment of anger passes away. Hug your wife. Give a peck on the cheek to your husband and see the anger melting away. Bring it in your heart to forget the bitter and harsh words spoken. Drink in your anger, be patient and forgive.  And most of all NEVER bring up what was said in another argument. If you do, it means your heart held a grudge and that’s a recipe for disaster.

Allow your heart to heal. Apologize. Love. Forgive. That is the key to a beautiful Muslim Marriage Alhamdullillah.

In Muslim Marriages, the halal part of it is not only restricted to loving each other. A really great part is to just be with each other, hang out with each other and relax completely! There are many innovative ways for the husband and wife to be with each other with the purpose of spending time and eventually building affection for each other.

The husband and wife should go to a good restaurant together. There is nothing more relaxing than spending time in the company of someone you love and with good food around you.  Spend a few hours at the restaurant and enjoy a complete 3 course meal, with a dessert!

The Muslim couple, within the confines of what is permitted in the religion, may also go to a completely new place in the city together. This could be new picnic spots or just a stretch of grass on a hill somewhere far. The world is large and it does not take much to discover new places and eventually new experiences! The excitement of both the husband and the wife as a result will be immense and they will both revel in the company of each other and the newly discovered place they’re at.

Halal hangouts could also just comprise of a fancy dinner at home. It may not be a fancy restaurant or a new expensive tourist spot you’ve just discovered, but Home can give the couple the peace that all these places cannot. So embrace the warmth of just your home and spend time with each other in compassion.  The Holy Prophet, when he was married to Ayesha used to encourage her to play with her friends at home when he was away. But as soon as he used to return, her friends would run away out of respect. Thereafter Hazrat Ayesha spent her spare time with the Holy Prophet (PBUH) just at home.  Indeed the love story of Hazrat Ayesha and the Holy Prophet Mohammad was an epic one!

Make the time spent at home a worthwhile one. Carry out activities together. And what better activities to do than to cook together. The husband, just like the Holy Prophet (PBUH) should help his wife in the kitchen and this also includes making and experimenting with great food together. Cooking together can lead to warmth and understanding albeit a few disagreements and arguments about the ingredients! Eventually this healthy way of spending time together takes the Muslim Marriage a long way.