There is a text-book pattern of our lives that we have come to believe in as we grow old. You start with going to school, study for college, get into the top university, do a couple of internships, build a professional career and then…well then…you get stuck. You get stuck because you think ‘Hey, here I am having done what I had to do. So where do I move forward from here? What stage comes next? And then the answer comes to you. ‘Ah get married! Let me start a family, have grand children’. That’s the next stage. That’s what is left of our lives. And hey don’t get me wrong. As Muslims, we ought to get married. There is a tradition of the Holy Prophet (PBUH): “Whoever has the ability should marry for it is better in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity. Whoever is not able, let him fast for it is for him a restraint.”
And yes that holds true for all us steadfast Muslims who intend to follow the Quran and the hadiths to lead a better, more fulfilling life. However, it so happens in our society that the men have an easier job getting past the ‘Getting Married’ stage than women. For women, it just becomes difficult.
Women in Islam are given equal rights to choose their life partners as do the men. Yet there happen to be societal pressures that do not allow them to do so because the text-book pattern that was meant to help them, now comes in the way. So you’re following that pattern of your life and suddenly you’re at that stage where you think you’re ready to get married and you make this determined face and tell yourself “Ok I am ready! So now what do I do?” You go up to your parents and inform them (well they probably already knew!) and they, no doubt in an attempt to be sympathetic and caring, say the very sentence controversial “Beti (Daughter), it will happen when it is in your fate. There is nothing you can do but wait and pray.”
And so you find yourself stuck in that pattern of life. You can’t go back and you can’t move forward till you’ve found your Mr.Right. So you just sit and wait for fate. But should you?
When we think of the perfect examples of Muslim women who took their fate in their own hands and actually made a move to look for a life partner for themselves in the confines of Islamic boundaries, the name of Hazrat Khadijah comes to mind automatically. Now here was a woman who was not only sure that the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) was the right man for her but she also took active steps to go ahead and find out. Here was a woman who took the honesty and trustworthiness of a man she had done business with as the foundation of a new relationship she was to build. She liked him. She didn’t sit and wait for fate to take its course. She went ahead and in all limitations set by Islam, asked the Holy Prophet (PBUH) for his hand in marriage. And this is the woman who defines womanhood, the best of the best examples!
So then why do we hesitate to follow this best of the best example of woman? Why don’t we be proactive in our search for our groom? The answer is simple. It is because we have adopted this concept from the society we live in, mainly the subcontinent, where it is considered shameful for the woman to take the prerogative of proposing to a man she likes. Once a woman who was forcefully married by her father came to the Prophet (PBUH) and told him about his misery. He declared the marriage void. Such is the importance of the say of a woman in her marriage. Other people consider it downright desperate of the girl to be proactively looking for a partner and then asking her mahram to ask if he is available for marriage. These concepts are shunned in Islam. How could they not? When Allah has given clear commands of the woman as well as the man to be married with mutual consent, when he has ordained between the two spouses “love and mercy” it becomes natural for the woman to be at the same footing as men in choosing her life partner. For where will be the ‘love and mercy’ if the woman is not happy with the man, if she hasn’t chosen him to be the one she leads her life with?
So, coming back to if women should wait for fate to take place, the answer is simple. No, women should not. Allah says that he will only help those who help themselves. We take this ayat seriously in all the other factors of our lives. We pray, but we also work hard. For our education, we study. For our jobs, we slog to get a promotion. We even realize that when Bibi Hajra’s son Hazrat Ismail was thirsty, she did not just sit there hope for water to appear out of nowhere. She ran from Safa to Marwa in search for water for her son. She helped herself. And Allah helped her and a fountain of water erupted from the spot where Hazrat Ismail lay. It did indeed erupt out of nowhere. But Bibi Hajra had faith. She prayed AND she worked towards her goal. She was proactive. Hazrat Khadijah was proactive. Maybe all you single Muslim women out there should be too.
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