“Men are the protectors/guardians and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to the husband)*, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard. “ (4:34)
The verse above is the indeed the heart of the marital relationship between a husband and a wife in Islam. In the literal sense, it talks about the duties of a man towards his wife, his role of supporting her financially and protecting and guarding her from all that is harmful. It also speaks of the responsibilities of a wife to be obedient, loyal and completely faithful to her husband.
But have any of us gone deeper into the meaning of the quranic verse? Have we ever stopped to think that marriage does not only constitute the husband providing financially for the wife and the wife taking care of her husband, house and her family?
The Prophet PBUH said : “The more civil and kind a Muslim is to his wife, the more perfect in faith he is.” In the same way the Prophet PBUH also said that ““When the husband calls his wife for some work, she should immediately attend his call even if she may be sitting by the side of her hearth”. What do these two ahadith say about the relationship that should exist between the husband and the wife? That of Love and Respect. And that, wherein, begins the true test of the marital relationship.
Love and Respect. We are, in our married lives, commanded by Allah to show both to our partners for our marriages to flourish. Yet most of us fail.
There happens to be a very interesting link between these two abstract nouns when it comes to marriages. Whereas the man yearns for Respect, the woman yearns for love. It often happens that the man, no doubt in his attempts to provide financially for his wife and family, and his many other responsibilities forgets to give the well deserved ‘Love’ to his wife. The woman, frustrated with the lack of love shown by her husband, in turn gives him little or no respect. No respect and obedience from his wife results in him giving out no love to her and so the vicious circle continues. The only solution to this is that Love and Respect is given unconditionally to each. With patience. With compromise.
The cycle between Love and Respect teaches us something very important about marriages. When Allah says in the Quran “Live together with them correctly and courteously..” (4:19) He not only means that husbands are to provide security of finance, food and shelter to his wife but He also ordains that the husband take care of the emotional needs of his wife and love her unconditionally. In the same way when Prophet PBUH says “The best woman is she who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves,” it means that the wife should respect her husband sincerely. The more respect the wife shows her husband, the greater the love he will show her and the more the marriage will prosper eventually.
This also teaches us how sensitive the contract of marriage is, how delicate; how for it to work, patience and compromise is needed from both ends. Allah has asked us to live with our partners in “mercy and compassion” and to be the “apparel” for each other. This itself shows the value of forgiveness and the importance of hiding each other’s flaws and being privy to each other’s secrets. One can only do so with the correct balance of the unconditional attributes of love and respect.
Indeed it teaches us that the ingredients for a successful marriage are all present in the Quran. We just need to understand them and follow. For verily the more the love and respect exists in our marriages the greater the chances of paradise. For Allah says, “Enter into Paradise, you and your wives, with delight.”
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